Worst Movies Ever Made

Scraping the Bottom of the Cinematic Barrel

TAG: monsters

Sharknado (2013)

Sharknado (2013)
Directed by: Anthony C. Ferrante
Starring: Ian Ziering, Cassandra Scerbo, Jaason Simmons, Tara Reid, Chuck Hittinger, Aubrey Peeples, John Heard, Robbie Rist, Alex Arleo

Sharknado LOL

Today’s weather – 60 degrees and partly cloudy. Chance of flying sharks 90%.

As you probably know by now, The Asylum is a production company that has practically cornered the market on bad movies. Started up by some guys who tried to do low-budget horror, they quickly realized that everybody and their grandparents and neighbors do low-budget horror, but doing low-budget mock-busters that rip off major hits while bragging about it – well, not many people do that. This is probably because most people are afraid of getting their pants sued off by big-time Hollywood lawyers. Not The Asylum – they crazy! Since the early 2000s, they’ve been making lots of money by creating cinematic manure passed off as “films” including Transmorphers, Snakes on a Train, I Am Omega, The Day the Earth Stopped, and as we covered here – Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus.

With Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, the Aslum discovered something interesting – people love shark movies. It doesn’t matter how bad they are, somebody will distribute them. Doesn’t matter how illogical they are – people will watch them. Just throw in some trashy celebrity, has-been actor, or “ironic” choice (Debbie Gibson and Tiffany!). You end up with something like 2 Headed Shark Attack (with Carmen Electra!) or Sharknado (Ian Ziering! Tara Reid! John Heard!). Sharknado, now there’s a piece of work. It’s like the Asylum guys just wrote a bunch of ideas on slips of paper and then spun them around in a lotto machine. In this case, the concepts of “Shark” and “Tornado” won out. So you can be certain that at some point while watching Sharknado, you’ll see a tornado full of sharks. It doesn’t matter how stupid it sounds – it’s practically guaranteed to have the stamp of “Syfy Channel Original” printed on it.

Beach Goers in Sharknado

As you can see, people are well prepared for the oncoming hurricane.

But you can’t just show the “sharknado” right away. No… you have to build up to it. So we are introduced to bar owner/surfer “Fin” (Ian Ziering, from Beverly Hills, 90210, – remember?) and his Australian buddy Baz (Jaason Simmons – from Baywatch) and bar employee Nova (Cassie Scerboto, I have no idea who she is) who sorta has a crush on Fin. The movie informs us that “global warming” has caused a giant hurricane off the coast of Mexico and it is making its way towards Los Angeles. Typically, when a freak hurricane is barreling down on the California coast, people evacuate. That’s just how it works. But people in Sharknado practically blow it off until the storm is right on top of them. I admit, it’s difficult to know when the storm is coming. That’s because director Anthony Ferrante likes to shoot a scene in broad daylight and clear skies and then a few seconds later, show the very same location under black clouds and damaging winds. To say that this film is edited by morons does an injustice to morons. As one guy said on IMDB, “the same scene moves from daylight to dusk, rain to sunshine, storm surge to quiet beach, with every single new camera angle.” It’s like when MST3K savaged Attack of the Eye Creatures (another movie that switches between day and night in the same scene) by determining that director Larry Buchanan “just didn’t care.”

John Heard in Sharknado

“I was a respected actor, once.”

Poor John Heard. He actually had somewhat of a career. Look at what he’s doing now – playing a beachside drunk (who lives in Beverly Hills! He just really likes that bar!). When John Heard’s character bites it on a bridge less than halfway through the film, you feel something like relief for him. He must have owed somebody a favor. Anyway, Fin decides that he has to go to Beverly Hills to save his estranged wife, played by a weathered Tara Reid, who is basically phoning it in. That’s right, I said it: Tara Reid is phoning it in. Of course, Tara’s character and her asshole boyfriend aren’t happy to see Fin and maintain that nothing is wrong. Not until a shark crashes through their window and eats the boyfriend. This actually caused me to rethink who the bad guys are in Sharknado – my theory is that it’s Fin and his friends. If you pay attention, sharks only attack a place after they show up. Take that bridge sequence, for instance. Everything was ok until they showed up and started warning everybody… then the waves come and the sharks attack. Watch the ending scenes when they show up at the airplane hangar, where everything was calm until they showed up. Coincidence?

Sharknado attacks car

“Hey, can I get a lift to Glendale?”

I should back up a minute. About the sharks. The movie’s premise is this: the storm has picked up hundreds, maybe thousands of sharks and hurled them around, so that they land all over L.A. and feast on running victims. Now think about the absurdity of this: sharks literally falling from the sky and swallowing people whole while they are falling. Sharks landing in backyard pools, sharks landing on bridges, sharks swimming in floods no more than a few feet high. In Sharknado, it is obvious: sharks do not need water (especially salt-water) to survive. They can fly around, even inside an F5 tornado and not only live, but aggressively eat any living thing in their path. This whole movie defies even the most elementary laws of physics. It’s like we’re in another universe.

Just take basic things. An entire house is flooded out and filled with sharks. But when everybody escapes the place, the surrounding land and road is quite dry and in plenty good condition for driving away. In fact, despite assurances from the movie that everything is flooded out, their escape vehicle really doesn’t have much trouble getting them anywhere. Continuity doesn’t have any meaning here; if the plot calls for a sudden flood and shark attack, then that’s what happens.

Watch out for:

  • the first scene involving an illicit transaction at sea which has no bearing on anything in the rest of the movie
    Sharknado Boat Captain Guy

    “Who are we and why are we in this movie?”

  • the beginning shark attack scene at a beach that in one frame shows hardly anybody around and the next frame scores of people hanging out. Fin screams “Shark!” at the top of his lungs but nobody pays any attention until it’s too late. And then after about 5 minutes of shark attacks, people are still running around and screaming their heads off… but they’re not running away from the beach- they just seem to be running in circles.
    finally, the sharknado

    Finally, a Sharknado – 30 minutes before the end of the movie!

  • Experts are saying global warming is the reason for this unprecedented event!
  • The television news is quite clear that a major hurricane is headed for Santa Monica, but the bar/restaurant is still packed with people who don’t seem to give a damn. Fin doesn’t even think about securing the bar until the storm is right on top of them (too late, dude).
  • The Jaws references. Cassie Scerbo’s story about how she got her scars (“Six people went into the water and one little girl came out. The sharks took the rest.”) and her quip towards the end (“We’re gonna need a bigger chopper.”) is meant to be an homage to Jaws but it just makes you think about how you should really be watching that movie instead of this one.
    Jaws Ripoff Sharknado

    Yes, you’ve seen Jaws. We get it.

  • Silly attempts at human drama. Some crap about Fin and his wife and estranged children. It has practically no impact; I wonder why they even bothered. I did laugh, however, at how Nova had a crush on Fin and ended up getting with Fin’s pilot-son Matt instead.
  • Tara Reid’s boyfriend sarcastically says “Everytime it rains in L.A., everyone says it’s the storm of the century!” Obviously, people in Beverly Hills are so cut off from the world that they have no idea what a hurricane is.
  • Winds that pick up and carry heavy objects, except for people, of course.
  • A helicopter flying right beside a tornado with somebody throwing bombs into it. Sure, that’s plausible!
    Helicopter Sharknado

    We’re sure this is a good idea.

  • A flying shark eating somebody in mid-air. That same shark eating somebody else, who chainsaws his way out and also manages to save the first victim while he’s at it. Hmm, that really does make the helicopter thing plausible, doesn’t it?
  • A Bus driver/comedian (Robbie Rist, who also did the soundtrack!) who says “My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me” before being crushed by parts of the Hollywood sign. Speaking of the school bus scene – you would expect that there would be other people and rescue teams to handle a full busload of schoolkids, but then we wouldn’t get to see how much of a hero Steve Sanders is!
  • The use of a Hummer at the end of a film that blames man-made global warming for the weather. (And the Hummer has a Nitrous feature!!) Teh Irony!
  • Everybody exclaims how much they hate sharks in this picture. Maybe that’s why the sharks are so mad.
pool sharks

Bushwood: Caddies and sharks welcome 1pm – 1:15pm.

As for everything else, Sharknado is your typical shitty-but-funny movie. Horrible CGI, even for stuff like this. No sense of where anything is in relation to anything else. Below-par acting. High school humor and dialogue. Some gore. And all-around hilarity, as the makers of Sharknado demonstrate no knowledge whatsoever of how hurricanes and floods behave, how tornados and winds behave, how sharks and flying objects behave, and how people behave. But hey, like the immortal Larry Buchanan, they just don’t care. I’ll give them this – as far as disaster flicks go, it’s much better than 2012. (And I like that song (The Ballad Of) Sharknado by Quint). Oh, good news, people, watch for the sequel Sharknado 2: The Second One, filming now, starring (again) Tara Reid, Ian Ziering, and a few other surprising guests. “The Second One” – oh, I get it! Very clever!

- Bill Gordon

Buy Sharknado on DVD

A Randy Newman Day. sharknado

I love L.A.! We love it!

Adventures of Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor (2011)

Adventures of Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor (2011)
Directed by: Brett Kelly
Starring: Ray Besharah, Celine Filion, Jody Haucke, Emanuelle Carriere, Gabrielle Mackenzie, Randy Kimmett, Lenard A. Blackburn

Adventures of Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor

Dude, Dragon-Con is gonna rock this year!

A quick look at Canadian director Brett Kelly’s resume reveals such gems as Avenging Force: The Scarab, Jurassic Shark, Agent Beetle, and even a remake of that old chestnut Attack of the Giant Leeches. In other words, bottom of the barrel nonsense on shoestring budgets. So I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor is bad, but I was surprised at how uniquely bad it is. It’s the kind of bad that actually has you wondering whether the movie is just one big joke, ineptly made on purpose (I figure that the production company – “Dudez Productions” – gets some kind of funding from the Canadian government, kinda like Cronenberg’s early films, but please don’t compare Kelly with Cronenberg… just.. don’t). Or maybe he’s not quite aware that it’s bad; maybe he earnestly is trying to make the best film he can. In which case: Yikes.

We know we are already in trouble at the beginning, when wave after wave of credits unfold in that Star Wars tradition, telling us about gods and Asgard and something called Ragnarok which will be brought about by a cult of humans who worship evil. These humans were driven underground but not defeated. Unfortunately, mankind had a falling out with the gods, so they can never directly interfere in the events of Earth, aka Midgard. This wall of text goes on for 3 minutes, with a narrator speaking them because remember – these kinds of films are made for those who can’t read. It rivals the opening credits roll in Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark.

Thunderstorm Return of Thor Credits


After the opening titles and cast/crew listing (which takes place over some kind of screensaver), we see amateurish, slow motion shots of dudes getting out of a car and walking towards the camera, brandishing weapons. This seems to go on forever – not a good sign. We are soon introduced to Evan (Jody Haucke), who bursts into a museum (actually, just some kind of corner office) looking for an artifact called the “Dragon’s Cross.” He is supposed to be menacing in that Anton LaVey-way, but he looks more like that one weird guy from your high school drama class (you know, the one who’s way more into it than anyone else), and he’s about as threatening to boot. But the lines he delivers, and the way he delivers them are nothing short of hilarious.

  • It would be a shame to start shooting people… it’s bad for business, don’t you know!
  • After shooting a guy who says “Give me a minute” – “A minute….. who has that kind of time?

You get the idea.

Jody Haucke - Return of Thor

I just love theater!

Then we are transported to “Asgard”, which for some reason looks nothing like the Asgard of Marvel’s Thor movie. No, this Asgard looks like graphics from Castle Wolfenstein backed by streaks of purple light. Realistic, it isn’t. We witness a conversation between Thor and his dad (who kinda looks like John de Lancie). But we aren’t looking at two people speaking. We are looking at photographs superimposed over streaks of light, and the photos are made to shake back and forth while we hear narration between two horrible actors. At this point you may have noticed that the cheesy musical score practically drowns out all dialogue. Get used to it.

Asgard - Adventures of Thunderstorm

It’s almost as if you are actually there.

Now things get dumber. We are introduced to the movie’s “hero” – one Grant Farrel (Ray Besharah) who, along with his buddy Earl (Randy Kimmett) works on a super secret project to make a weaponized suit. Their laboratory is basically a closet with some red lighting and a computer. As for the “battle suit”, it looks like something stolen off a cosplaying guest at MegaCon. (Think of the silliest Batman suit merged with a stormtrooper’s uniform.) And yet our guys refer to it as a “kick-ass battlesuit.” How cute! Oh, the suit also comes with an accessory “battle staff” with insulated electronics. Farrel comments that “it looks like a hammer if you ask me!” Ha ha! By the way, I must mention again that this suit is a military prototype and absolutely not a costume picked up at the Spirit Halloween store in Ontario for $49.95.

Meanwhile, a college girl named Susan Green (Emanuelle Carriere) is abducted by the cult, which intends to use her as a vessel to bring back an evil being called “Hel” (played by Gabrielle Mackenzie, AKA Karin Landstad, hamming it up even more than Jody Haucke, if that’s even possible). The gods finally call upon Grant to take her and the cult on. Given a gift of cheesy lightning effects coming out of his hands, Earl gets the idea to put Grant in the suit. So now Grant Farrel is a reluctant super hero called Thunderstorm! Think of Iron Man mixed with Thor. OK, now take away Tony Stark’s personality and smarts while removing Thor’s strength and bravery. Add a wisecracking, awkward Canadian sidekick. There, now you’ve got Adventures of Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor.

There’s a sequence where Grant trains himself, which is basically scenes of the camera lingering on bad graphics while Earl stares intensely and writes shit down in his notepad. What can he do with this power? Level buildings? Fly? How about… cook a hot dog! Now that’s a useful power, eh?

Thunderstorm Hot Dog

I’d like that Montreal-Style, please.

Oh, there’s also a heroine called Detective Bronski (Celine Filion – not Celine Dion) who catches up with Grant. There’s a funny bit where the bad guys get away (stealing Grant’s hammer) but the detective says to Grant (while he’s wearing his battle suit) “You’re coming in for questioning.” Grant – who, remember, is now a super hero with the power of Thor – says “Which way?” Wow, he’s such a good super hero that he willingly goes to the police station!

The cackling Hel and her gang pay a visit to Earl and leave him for dead, but for some reason they leave the hammer there. Why bother to handicap our superhero in the first place if they were just gonna return it? In the meantime, Grant convinces Bronski to help him, although at this point I am wondering if Thor perhaps chose the wrong human. His only power seems to be that he shoots bolts (which miss their targets). He doesn’t fly, but he does drive pretty well (and his choice of electric car is very environment-friendly). He stumbles upon a dying Earl, who says “there was this lady… she looked like a renaissance fair reject…” which is a line that has me stumped because – does this prove that Brett Kelly is in on the joke, or not?

The ending proves just as stupid as everything else. Hel resurrects her “brother” who appears in the form of (a very horribly rendered) dragon.

Thunderstorm Thor Cheesy FX Dragon

The Desolation of the Audience

There’s scenes of Grant/Thunderstorm shooting at (and missing) the funny CGI dragon/screensaver thing intercut with a horribly-choreographed kung-fu battle between Celine Filion and Jody Haucke. To paraphrase MST3K, people compare this fight with the one between Neo and Smith in The Matrix. Yeah, you know, they say: “The Matrix was really good. This movie totally sucks.”

And how does Grant defeat the powers of Hel the Renaissance fair reject? Spoiler alert! He grabs the dragon’s cross out of her hands and… throws it on the floor! The cross goes poof, the dragon goes poof, and Gabrielle Mackenzie screams “No No No!” before she goes poof.

Wow, really? That’s how evil is defeated? Anyhow, Grant is transported to Asgard and Odin congratulates him. Oh, does this remind anybody of that crappy TV series Shazam? Remember that one… where Billy the kid is talked to by Hannah Barbera versions of the gods? Well Thunderstorm: Return of Thor is about on par with that (except without that creepy mentor guy).

kung fu Thunderstorm

Fight Choreography by Yuen Woo-ping’s Nephew’s College Roomate

Some funny bits of dialogue in this very Canadian production:

  • “Get a chick last night, huh? Get a little action, huh?” – Earl, in his super-Canadian accent. (Did “eh?” have a falling out?)
  • “Paramedics rushed him to emerge…” – said by a character early on. Do people really refer to the E.R. as “emerge?” Maybe just Canadians…
  • “Doughy Risa-Hell !! Doughy Risa-Hell!” – the silly chant performed to get “Hel” to appear
  • “Dressed like … a superhero! That’s right, folks! A superhero!” – spoken by an incredulous radio DJ as he reads the news. A superhero! Right here in Ottawa! Can you believe it, folks?
  • “He was so excited for me, ya know? When you’re a kid you dream of flying, or… invisibility or whatever?” – Grant’s heartfelt eulogy for his dead friend
  • “I am Hel, Goddess of the Underworld… future ruler of Asgard!”
    “Aww, hell no!”
    “Hel.. Yes!” – no comment needed
  • “There’s a thunderstorm coming” – Grants attempt at levity

Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor has it all: silly dialogue (constantly drowned out by a cheesy musical soundtrack), bad fight scenes, bad acting / over-acting all around, laughable “special” effects, a stupid looking suit/costume in the style of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, a distinct lack of sets, goofy use of slow-mo, ambient sound that makes it seem like the audio was recorded in a bathroom somewhere (yeah, the budget didn’t allow for ADR), and, uh, lots of shots of Ontario warehouses and office buildings.

The important question now is: Is Thunderstorm: Return of Thor at least better than Shazam! or Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? I don’t know, but to even arrive at a point where such a comparison must be made should tell you something about this zero-budget film. The good news, I think, is that I may have found the modern Canadian Ed Wood, and the cinematic dung heap of terrible movies has grown even larger, which means there’s plenty of fresh fodder for reviews. Plan 9 … that’s for tourists!

- Bill Gordon

Buy Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor on DVD
Watch Adventures of Thunderstorm: Return of Thor @ Amazon
Note: as of January 1, 2014, you can stream the movie on Netflix.

Thunderstorm: Return of Thor Cast

You! Have been chosen to drive us to Ren-Fest!

Also directed by Brett Kelly:

Avenging Force: The Scarab
Pirates: Quest for Snake Island
The Bonesetter

Adventures of  Thunderstorm: The Return of Thor

Brett, honey, please stop playing with your toys and get to bed!

Howling 2 aka Howling II : Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985)

Howling II : Your Sister Is A Werewolf (1985)
Directed By: Philippe Mora
Starring: Christopher Lee, Sybil Danning, Reb Brown, Annie McEnroe, Marsha Hunt, Judd Omen, Ferdy Mayne, Patrick Field, Jimmy Nail, Steven Bronowski, James Crawford, Jirí Krytinár, Ladislav Krecmer, Jan Kraus, Petr Skarke, Igor Smrzík, Ivo Niederle, Ed Kleynen, Stephen W. Parsons

Howling 2 - Sybil Danning

The 1980s were exactly like this.

Stefan Crosscoe: “This type of bullet killed your sister. Unfortunately, they were removed during the autopsy and as a result, she can never rest in peace. Notice anything about them?
Ben White: “They’re silver.
Stefan Crosscoe: “Yes. Do you know what that means? This type of bullet, Mr. White, means your sister … is a werewolf.

You know something is wrong when a movie has its characters repeating its title in dialogue, as if the audience needed to be reminded: “Ah yes, that’s why this movie is called Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf! I had forgotten!” (It reminds me of the time when Sylvester Stallone exclaimed “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot“) Anyway, this sequel to Joe Dante’s film The Howling concerns the brother (Reb Brown) of Karen White (from the first film) discovering that werewolves exist, then taking his new girlfriend/TV reporter Jenny (Annie McEnroe) along with werewolf hunter Stefan (Christopher Lee) to Transylvania to put an end to the reign of Stirba (Sybil Danning), queen of the werewolves. By the way, the original title of this film was Howling II: Stirba, Werewolf Bitch. In my opinion, they should have stuck with that.

Troll and Troll 2

Troll (1986)
Directed by: John Carl Buechler
Starring: Noah Hathaway, Michael Moriarty, Shelley Hack, Jenny Beck, June Lockhart, Sonny Bono, Phil Fondacaro, Brad Hall, Anne Lockhart, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Gary Sandy

Troll 2 (1990)
Directed by: Claudio Fragasso
Starring: Michael Stephenson, George Hardy, Margo Prey, Connie Young, Robert Ormsby, Deborah Reed, Jason Wright, Darren Ewing, Jason Steadman, David McConnell, Gary Carlson, Mike Hamill, Don Packard, Christina Reynolds, Glenn Gerner

Torok the Troll at the bar

Before I turn you into a tree, can I fix you a martini?

Produced by Charles Band and Empire Pictures, Troll is a bizarre little film that takes its villain from Norse mythology and Scandinavian folk tales, although I guarantee you won’t confuse it with those stories, or anything from the world of Tolkien. Directed by John Carl Buechler, a makeup effects man who would go on to direct Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood, it’s an underwhelming, mediocre piece of dark fantasy about a sneaky troll who slowly takes over an apartment building made up of 80s era malcontents, like yuppies, swingers, and Nam veterans. Into this building moves the Potter family, with daddy played by Michael Moriarty (a Larry Cohen favorite), mom played by Shelley Hack (who would appear in The Stepfather a year later), little girl Wendy Anne (Jenny Beck, looking like Heather O’Roarke’s lost twin), and her older brother Harry (Noah Hathaway). Yes, that’s right – his character’s name is Harry Potter, Jr, and this movie arrived over a decade before J.K. Rowling flooded the world with those damned books. Now, did Rowling lift her Harry Potter character from a low-budget monster/fantasy flick from 1986? Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, but besides the fact that this movie stars the late Sonny Bono as a swinger and features the debut of Julia Louis-Dreyfus playing a nearly-naked wood-nymph, the Harry Potter question is the most interesting thing you’ll take away from Troll.

Manos: The Hands of Fate – Diane Mahree, Tom Neyman

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Directed by: Harold P. Warren
Starring: Tom Neyman, John Reynolds, Diane Mahree, Harold P. Warren, Stephanie Nielson, Sherry Proctor, Robin Redd, Jackey Neyman, Bernie Rosenblum, Joyce Molleur, William Bryan Jennings

Torgo and the Master in Manos: The Hands of Fate

Strange way to start off the Olympics…

Manos: The Hands of Fate is a bizarre film that almost defies the idea of “good” or “bad”, like the time Roger Ebert refused to give a rating to John Waters’ Pink Flamingos, likening it to a geek show where “stars simply seem not to apply. It should be considered not as a film but as a fact, or perhaps as an object.” That’s exactly what Manos is – some kind of object, a horrible-but-fascinating object, looking like a movie, but in reality being closer to an anti-movie. Give it any amount of stars you wish, or don’t give any – like Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space, they are all accurate. You see, once upon a time, in 1966, a fertilizer salesman named Harold P. Warren made a bet with screenwriter Stirling Silliphant that he could make a successful horror movie on a very low budget. As Warren had no experience in filmmaking, this was a very bad bet. However, his experience with fertilizer came in handy, since he managed to deliver the cinematic equivalent. Manos: The Hands of Fate is so inept, weird, and surreal, it’s like the movie was made by desert freaks on some kind of weekend bender. If the Manson family filmed a movie at Spahn Ranch, it might look something like Manos.

Robowar – Bruno Mattei, Reb Brown, Catherine Hickland

Robowar aka Robot da guerra (1989)
Directed by: Bruno Mattei
Starring: Reb Brown, Catherine Hickland, Massimo Vanni, Romano Puppo, Claudio Fragasso, Max Laurel, Jim Gaines, John P. Dulaney, Mel Davidson

Robowar - Reb Brown fires gun

Pretty sure this situation calls for lots of machine gun fire.

Here’s the setup to Bruno Mattei’s Robowar: a bunch of melodramatic helicopter pilots are talking nonsense to their base command about some kind of malfunction, which is intercut with an opening title sequence over a red pixelated haze. Eventually we figure out that they have lost control of something called Omega-1, a robot/weapon that mumbles out electronic gobbledegook before blowing up the chopper. I know what you’re thinking – this calls for Reb Brown!

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus – Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
Directed by: Jack Perez
Starring: Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, Vic Chao, Sean Lawlor, Dean Kreyling

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - Opening Title

Contrary to what you think, this movie is about a mega shark and a giant octopus.

See, there’s this group of people who call themselves The Asylum. Their job is to take box office hits and copy them – poorly. The formula is simple – get crappy special effects people, crappy cameramen, crappy editors, throw in a dab of sex, unknown (crappy) actors, then run a movie title through a scrambler. If you so desire (and have a little extra cash lying around), you might be able to have a washed-up actor, TV performer, or pop music star in the main role. So, for example, Transformers becomes Transmorphers starring Amy Weber (Son of the Beach, WWE wrestling), Snakes on a Plane becomes Snakes on a Train, The Day the Earth Stood Still becomes The Day the Earth Stopped (with C. Thomas Howell and Judd Nelson!), etc. These films are affectionately termed “mockbusters” – they’re more like porno parodies of major hits (you know, like Pirates, Edward Penishands, Beyond Thunderbone, etc.), except without the porn part, which is kinda disappointing, but I digress.

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